always never was

Written by Ellen Sanders 


Forever stumbling
through my past.
Always seeking
something other than
what was

Running from ghosts
that pursued
simply because
I had provided
a map

As hard as I tried
I never was
not me


I wrote this poem in early 2004 when I was less than a year sober. The first year of my sobriety was , but it was also uncomfortable (to say the least) and frightening.  I did not know how to “do life”. I had been literally and figuratively running away from myself in some form since adolescence. It was only through a 12-step program and a regular yoga practice that I was able to learn how to be with myself without self-destructing.
However, it is not hard for me to access the part of me that wrote this. Although it has been many years since I felt this way, it will always be a part of me and I hope I never forget it. The darkness never goes away entirely; it’s just that the light shines brighter now.

2 Responses to “always never was”

  1. linda012768

    Thank You for providing us with an unfolding landscape of what it means to walk through this life choosing everyday to walk in the light of truth. xoxoxo



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